Knuts
by phoenixdark
Summary: An interesting story with the original 'Ultimate Anime Fanfic', Roronoa Zolo, and the Weasley twins.


Once on a time, before there was a time, but did they have clocks, if they didn't, how would they know which time it was on? It happened at our favorite bar, Pub and Grub, and it happened with our favorite people: Fernidous, Mya, Gryphon, Katie Killingsworth, and Heath. Heath is not our favorite though. –stabs-

Heath leaned back on his chair and started trying to spit on the ceiling, "It keeps hitting my face!"

Katie was perking up her girls in a dirty mirror, "I wish they were real."

Mya was counting the pebbles that Mokuba had given her, "two thousand nine hundred and two, two thousand-"

Gryphon was smiling as she kept mixing up Mya's piles of counted and uncounted pebbles. Mya really had only twenty-three.

And Fernidous, well, he was dead.

On the floor.

No one cared.

Again.

Fred and George Weasley entered the pub and looked around, quite noticed in their wizards' robes and red hair. Fred elbowed George and pointed to our group's table. George smiled and nodded. They had spotted their prey.

Mya threw up her hands, "Where is the penguin?"

Gryphon smiled, "Did you hear? The penguin died with Fernidous and Brazilian victims in a gas explosion."

Heath stopped spitting and said, "Wow, that sounds awful. I just listened to Mya count to three thousand. Can you imagine a brazilian? Is that more than a million?"

Katie didn't get it.

And Fernidous is still dieded.

Again.

Fred squeezed between Heath and Katie, which is really uncomfortable since both are so . . . . .passionate. . . . . . .about their work. George cleared his throat and carefully sat beside Gryphon. She was intimidating, you know. George might be a rebel, but he knew when a girl would de-sperm him.

Fred smiled and pushed Heath away, who was poking him, "Well, we have something for you-stop it, you gay-. As I was saying, 'Weasleys' Wizarding Weezes', perfect for any occasion and if it isn't perfect, it is at least funny. We have everything for your pranking needs. Deheading Hats, Ton-Tongue Taffy, Fireworks, Swamps-"

"-I love grapes!" Mya suddenly exclaimed.

Fred raised an eyebrow, "Don't we all?"

George pointed out, "Not when the French turn them into raisins."

"I love French fries!" Mya continued.

George smiled and put a piece of candy in her mouth. Her jaws kept going, but no words came out.

"I will take one thousand of those." Gryphon said with a smirk.

Fred smiled, "Well, you are going to need some Knuts."

Heath stood up, "I have Knuts. I have the best dang Knuts you ever saw!"

George shook his head, "They have to be of good quality."

Heath looked down, "They are the best."

"Believe me," Katie said, "I should know."

Gryphon shivered, "Bad thoughts."

George laughed, "Your Knuts won't be enough."

Heath looked hurt, "They have never failed before."

It finally dawned on Fred what Heath was talking about, "No! We want Galleons. Gallons of Galleons."

Heath crossed his arms and nodded, "It will take some time, but I can give you at least two and a half gallons."

"Of what!" Gryphon exclaimed.

"I can help him," Katie said.

Fred buried his face into his hands, "Look, we need Galleons, mate. Not gallons as a volume, but Galleons as a value."

There was a silence then, "My gallons have a value."

"No they don't," Gryphon said.

Katie smiled, "Oh yes they do."

George clicked his tongue and looked around. Please, God, let another customer come.

"My Galleons are the best," Heath continued.

Just let one person come . . .

"Gallons and gallons of my value," Heath went on.

Just another soul to save them . . . .

"Everyone knows that you can't have Galleons without a killer sword," came a voice.

"Zolo!"

A green haired pirate picked up the back of Heath's chair and Heath fell to the floor.

"Sorry, I didn't know that you were using that."

George and Fred exchanged looks before saying, "You could always pay in Sickles."

Heath glared, "I don't have Sickles!"

Gryphon pointed out, "Yes, you do. You got them from Mai."

Katie screamed, "That means I have Sickles!"

George looked at Fred, "WTF, mate?"

The charm on Mya finally wore off, "Are the Sickles Kosher?"

Heath looked into his pants, "I hope not."

"Koshers taste the best, though," Katie observed.

"Yea, nice and crispy," said Zolo.

Fred and George gagged and looked away. Never had their wizarding lives been looked at quite in that way.

"Crispy and juicy," Mya went on.

"Crispy?" Heath said with a tear.

"Oh, yes," Mya said. "Very crispy. I bet that yours will be the crispiest. Not only is it Kosher but it's-"

Gryphon shoved another bit of candy into Mya's mouth.

Fred uncovered George's ears and George did the same to Fred, "Is it safe?"

They watched as Mya's mouth kept moving soundlessly.

"Anyway," Fred said loudly, "There are other ways to pay."

Katie raised her eyebrow, "I don't usually during the day, but you are British."

Fred smiled and George swallowed loudly.

Heath got jealous, "You haven't seen their Knuts!"

Suddenly Mya exclaimed (the spell wore off again), "It's penguin . . .with another penguin!"

"Another penguin?" Gryphon asked.

"How did this happen?" George asked seriously.

Mya started to cry, "I don't know. I just woke up and it had happened."

George sighed, "This will be a big responsibility."

Heath shook his head, "You are too young, Mya."

"I didn't mean for it to go this far!" Mya screamed.

"No one ever does," said George.

Katie looked at the penguins, "You can barely take care of yourself. How are you going to take care of another life?"

George crossed his arms, "You should've protected yourself from this."

Mya was crying, "I didn't think that it could happen to me! It was just me and the first penguin and then, boom! Another penguin."

Heath glared, "I'm disappointed. You have your whole life ahead of you."

"Quiet, Mr. Sickles," Gryphon said with an icy edge. "Look, it happened. What ever we say will not change it."

Katie cleared her throat, "She could get rid of it."

"NO!" Mya screamed. "I love it!"

"You barely know it," Heath said.

Fred stood up, "Stop it! All of you! Gosh, you guys are messed up. It is a penguin. A PENGUIN. You are acting out some sort of soap opera."

A shadow moved along the wall and a knife was raised. Suddenly, Fred was lifeless on the floor.

"Well, that was soap-opera like," Heath said.

Fred hopped back up, "Soap Opera Rule, if you don't actually see them die, they are not dead."

Zolo pointed out, "We did see you die."

"Pawn!" Fred screamed and hit Zolo on the side of the head.

Suddenly, all movement in the pub ceased and the air became still. All eyes stared at Zolo as he stood and lowered his head to do a death-like glare.

"Ow."

Fred smiled and sat back down.

And Fernidous was still dead.

On the floor.

And care we not.

Mya blinked a few times, "Why is Ferny dead?"

Gryphon smiled, "How was I supposed to know that a match would cause such an explosion?"

Katie put her hands on her hips, "You took fire-safety classes!"

"Oh yeah," Gryphon faked. "Must've slipped my mind."

Mya threw a look toward Fred and George, "You are wizards."

"Very observant," Gryphon commented.

Mya gave Gryphon a smug look, "Of course, you can bring Ferny back."

Fred and George laughed, "Oh, you remind us of Harry."

"Harry?" Heath asked with a scary bit of interest.

Fred raised his eyebrow, "Yea, Harry. Man, was he a hoot. You see, Cho and Cedric were dating and then Cedric cheated on Cho with Lavender and then Lavender was a . . .well, that would not be gentleman like . . . and Cedric went to Hermione and Hermione's like 'no, you're gay' and Cedric's like 'no, I'm not' and he was like 'I'm pretty and I'm upset' and then he was crying and Harry was like 'WTF, mate?" and then Cedric's like 'no one loves me, I feel like the dead' and Harry's like 'no one loves me because they are dead' and so Harry and Cedric had this secret 'thing' going on and then Cedric died and Harry's like 'my love!' and we are like 'WTF, mate?' and then Harry's like 'I want my Ceddy-poo back!' and we're like 'WTF, mate?' and he's like 'Bring him back!' and we're like 'NO!'."

There was a silence then,

"Why can't you bring Ferny back?"

George leaned forward and allowed the tips of his fingers to touch in a Dumbledore-like fashion, "Technically speaking, we can bring him back, but we won't."

"Why!" Mya exclaimed.

Zolo rolled his eyes, "They probably want payment for it."

Heath blew air out through puffed cheeks, "They are not getting my Knuts."

Katie wrapped her hair around her finger, "They are British."

Fred snapped his fingers in front of her face, "Keep your Sickles, love."

Katie crossed her arms and slumped into her seat, "Curse you, Heath."

Heath wanted to cry again.

"Moving right along," George said as he shifted uncomfortably.

"Yeah," said Fred. "Dumbledore said that death is the next adventure and we listen to Dumbledore."

"Except when we used to leave the common room after hours," George pointed out.

"And when we pushed that Slytherin into the Vanishing Cabinet," added Fred.

Mya shushed them, "You've broken his rules before. Why not now?"

"Well, death is the next adventure," said Fred.

"Fernidous has died three times," Gryphon stated. "Any more adventure would kill him again."

George leaned forward and his eyes darkened, "Well, there is one spell that might work, but it is very unstable."

"Like my Knuts!" exclaimed Heath.

"No, not like your Knuts. Your Knuts cannot compare with . . . . ." Fred took a dramatic breath. "Spellus Oprahus."

-crickets-

A fly dashed by Fernidous's face.

"Spellus Oprahus?" Zolo asked with a blank look.

"The one and only," George said nodding his head.

"Wait, wait, wait," Gryphon said raising her hands in disbelief. "You think that a group of people who cannot understand the simple wizarding money system is going to understand 'Spellus Oprahus'?"

Fred shrugged, "Yeah."

"Why would you question them?" inquired George.

Gryphon's face lost all emotion as she turned to Heath and Katie. She said simply, "You have Galleons of Knuts even though you have Sickles."

Both of them giggled and blushed.

"See what I mean?" Gryphon asked the wizards.

"No, not really," they replied.

"How does 'Spellus Oprahus' work?" Mya asked.

"Well," Fred explained, "Oprah Winfrey can do anything, so we figured "

" I love Oprah!" Heath exclaimed.

Katie jumped up, "Oh my pants! When she had Johnny Depp on her show "

" and when she helped that guy

" with no ears "

" and Sickles "

" It was amazing!"

"Shush!" Fred yelled as he performed a nonverbal spell which pinned both of them against the far wall.

"Anyway," George said. "Oprah can do anything, so we contacted Snape to make a spell called 'Spellus Oprahus' and he did because, well, he needs some friends and "

" I love Snape!" Mya interrupted.

"Congratulations," Fred said angrily. These people could not carry on a conversation.

"Anyway," George continued, "Snape made the spell and now we can bring each other back to life."

"Why did you have to make this spell in the first place?" Zolo asked.

"Well," Fred laughed. "We accidentally killed Ginny and Mum would have killed us."

"Wait," Zolo said in surprise. "How did you kill Ginny?"

George chuckled, "She bought a pet called a pymgy and it got sick so we told her to feed it gnomes. She did and it grew kind of like a marshmallow in a Muggle microwave. It blew up on Ginny."

"Scattered her in a brazilin pieces," said Fred.

"Quite disgusting," said George.

"But it all came out in the wash," added Fred.

Mya thought for a moment (which is very impressive considering, well, her) and then raised her chin high. "Let's try it. I want my Ferny back."

"I don't," said Heath.

"And we care why?" answered Gryphon.

Fred nodded to George and they both stood up. The twins rolled up the sleeves of their wizarding robes and took stance before Fernidous. Fred waved his hand toward Zolo to warn him to keep his distance.

"Ready, George?" Fred asked as he drew his wand.

"Ready, Fred." George answered.

"Spellus Oprahus!" they bellowed as one.

A purple spiral formed when the streams of their wands met. It swirled and collided with Fernidous's cold chest. Instantly, his chest expanded as the spell forced air into the closed lungs. A brilliant white flash bathed the pub in an unearthly glow. Alas, it subsided and the group leaned toward Fernidous.

"Hey, I alive!" Zolo shouted in a voice not like his own.

"We know, you imbecile," Gryphon said. "I'm glad that you figured it out."

"And I'm shexy!" Zolo said, touching his muscles.

"Way to be optimistic," Gryphon said giving a rare smile. "This is what makes Katie such an idiot. She's dating Heath."

"Why am I on the floor?" Fernidious's form said in a deeper voice than usual.

"You were dead, genius." Gryphon said darkly. "Huzzah . . . ."

Fernidous's face fell, "I died?"

"Yeah," Fred said. "You have been dead since I got here at least."

Fernidous sat up and pushed Fred away, "You inferior wizarding croon! I have worked all of my life for respect and you will not compare me to a corpse."

Katie fell from the wall, "What is going on?"

"So shexy . . .," Zolo's form said as it hugged itself and danced.

Gryphon's head suddenly lifted as it hit her. She looked toward Zolo dancing and singing 'Oh, the Shexyness of Moi' and Fernidous who started to bite a sword. It clicked.

She suddenly turned on Fred and George, "Idiots."

George grabbed his crouch for protection and Fred hid behind a table.

"We said that it was unstable," Fred said fairly.

Mya picked up her pebbles, "What happened?"

"You guys don't see it?" Gryphon asked in disbelief.

-crickets-

"That damn internet," Heath said as he fell next to Katie. "Why can't I ever get crickets from it?"

"You don't have enough Knuts," Fred laughed. It is scary when the wizards start to use the joke.

Fernidous stood awkwardly and then looked across the bar at Zolo.

"Cheese and rice!"

Zolo stopped dancing and pointed at Fernidous, "Pawned!"

"Wait, what?" Fred asked as he looked at Zolo and Fernidous.

"Give me back my body!" Fernidous yelled at Zolo.

Katie perked up, "Did you hear that, Heath? They are arguing about owning bodies!"

"Sounds like fun!" Heath exclaimed.


End file.
